The best feedback I’ve ever received
#27 - 03.21.21
Brother -
In letter 21, I shared with you some tips about how to structure feedback. On that same note, I said that I'd share with you the best feedback I've ever received in a future letter. Here it is:
What:
Maturity (i.e., stop caring so much about being the teacher's favorite student)
Why this is important:
As a senior leader within the org, you are expected to be poised, thoughtful, and lead by example.
At times, it seems to me that you become emotional by things that don't matter much.
For all the rationality and discipline you bring to your work, you don't always bring that to your thinking about human relationships or your own self-confidence.
Examples:
Being upset about me not giving enough positive feedback.
Thinking I have a "favorite" direct report who exerts disproportionate influence over me.
How to improve/double down:
Ask for feedback, and take it at face value.
Don't assume that someone is not candid unless proven otherwise.
Try to see the value in your peers, even if they have a completely different working style than you.
This feedback was tough for me to swallow. I was called out for not being mature, and my manager at the time helped me realize a deep insecurity I have for seeking approval from others. I'd always been my manager's favorite (at least in my own mind), and in this set-up, I clearly was not. Even worse, I became jealous of another peer with whom I didn't eye-to-eye, as I assumed she was his "go-to" person.
Growing up in the US, we are not conditioned to get harsh feedback. Americans usually sandwich the tough message in-between two positives, and that's when they get the courage to share any negative feedback at all. In childhood, we were given trophies and ribbons even when we didn't win. We are a generation of conflict avoiders and "participation award" winners.
I've seen many people with high potential peak too early in their careers because of their blindspots. These blindspots form either because they reject negative feedback or don't actively seek it out enough.
Becoming aware of our weaknesses is the best thing we can do for our growth. It's not easy to proactively ask for improvement feedback, and it stings when you hear it... usually because it's true. It starts to get better in time, but the sting never goes away completely.
One of the best things I've done in my career is building trusted relationships with peers where we frequently give each other feedback. During my most significant growth periods, I was getting (and sharing) positive and negative feedback every week with friends and colleagues.
Let me leave you with a quote and a question.
"Let us be humble, and we will become wise. Let us know our weaknesses, as it will give us power."
-William Channing
What are your current weaknesses?
Enjoy the dance,
Nate